A blog post about being fat.

Most of my blog posts are fun and feature me doing fun things that you don't get to be a part of, like:

Paddle boarding
Kayaking in the ocean
Zip-lining, next to the ocean
Snorkeling
Hiking down waterfalls
Climbing big rocks, next to the ocean
And basically being in, near, and around the ocean.

Most of my blogs are fun and stuff! 
This blog post is not fun.  This is a blog post about me being fat and mildly unhappy with the fact that I am fat.  I am also super bloated from eating gluten so my face is double gross.

This is what I look like now.

When I am not posing for the camera or forcing someone to get "my good side",  this is what I look like.  People who know me, know this...So I mean I really shouldn't care what I look like in pictures since I still sort of have friends. Kind of.

I found out I have Celiac's disease about a year ago and I am destroying the inside of my body every time I eat gluten or wheat or whatever.  I don't have a severe form of it, but its bad enough that when I eat pasta, I get migraines and my insides hurt to the point that I wish I could rip them out.  My body aches, my joints swell and I get so lethargic and tired I can't do anything but sleep.  Foods with less amounts of gluten and wheat, I fair better...as it builds up in my system though, it gets worse.

It makes me bloated and swollen and I gain weight within days it feels like.
I have a love hate relationship with food.  I love to eat it but I hate what it does to me.  I deal with every single emotion with food, I think about it constantly.  I am ashamed to admit I horde food.  Yep..I feel like if I am without food something terrible will happen and if I don't eat what I want when I want it, I panic.  It is this state of urgency I can not control and it drives mad.

I don't know what feeds this urgency, but my super awesome doctor says that part of it might be my ADD.  I'm trying to resolve these issues so that I don't have to be on medication for the rest of my life and to exert some control over myself and my body.  I know what feeds the emotions though.  Years of "you're fat", "you're ugly" and "you'll never be good enough".  These were the years that I was thin, in shape, and swam for the varsity swim team.  

I hide behind food for other reasons, but for reasons that I am NOT willing to admit.

This is it I guess..This is me finally figuring it out after all of these years.  My life, everything.  It's been a mess and a quick jump from young adult to adult that I never really wanted to take.  But I have to.