Self-Hate and the Holidays.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and according to the Calorie Control Council (which is a thing that exists in this world) the typical Thanksgiving dinner has 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat.  This includes any of the snacks during the day and a turkey with all the fixings.  Since I have celiacs, I am (un)lucky that I HAVE to stay away from the breads and the baked goodies and stuffing.  That doesn't mean I don't sneak a few treats when no one who is willing to take it away from me isn't looking.  I calculated my holiday meal like the diet nerd that I am and my meal came in at 582 calories and 20.5 grams of fat.  Based on the "diet" I follow, I eat up to 1,570 calories a day and take in no more than 52 grams of fat.  I would say that my meal was a success, I had everything I wanted and ended up full at the end of the meal.  I would say that is what a good meal is all about, being full and satisfied.  

I don't like to use the term diet because I am not really on a diet.  I eat what I want in moderation or at least try to.  My calorie intake is based off of my basal metabolic rate and my average level of activity each day.  I don't like the idea of saying I CAN'T just because it is food.  I also have the problem of having difficulty saying no or I can't because I don't think people have to deny themselves any sort of comfort just because society tells me I shouldn't eat so that I am not fat.  For some reason, since I was a little kid, I always questioned the rules of society.  I always had to know the meanings behind what drives people and society to choose one thing over another and what creates mass consumerism.  Maybe this desire to always question and always be objective has driven me to truly hate the way women diet in America.  I also know this aggression led me down a path that involved eating disorders and over exercising because I eventually caved to the pressures that society had on me.  I have never fully recovered and I harbor a lot of self-loathing and shame over my body because I will never be what I see in media.

Basically, everything is wrong with you and during the holidays, women are told that more and more.  I don't have cable television but over the holidays last year I spent a couple of weeks at home as I was preparing to travel to the South Pacific for several months.  I watched a LOT of television and the majority of commercials I saw were all for weight loss companies touting their holiday sales and letting women know that THEY knew that women have absolutely zero self-control over the holidays and WILL BE FAT by the New Year.  The commercials were so numerous that I actually called a friend of mine to tell her about it because I was so disgusted by the messages they were sending.  She had also seen them and was perturbed by the hidden messages that, far too often, women buy into.  This self-loathing and self-hate over the holidays doesn't cure the problem, it only makes it worse.  I firmly believe that before I can lose the weight I have gained over the last few years I have to learn to love myself for who I am today so that I love myself for who I become.  At some point we have to make the decision to be healthy and happy for US and not because of what we see in society.  We can't believe that losing weight will make us love ourselves or magically cure the shame and loathing we have felt prior.  

On a lighter note, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

Waking up every morning to this little man.

My family, Levi Wigglesworth, and reuniting with my sister.

My tiny but cozy home that is filled with love, barking, family, and friends.

Body Shaming and Body Hate

Body shaming seems to be the internet's new favorite topic.  When to body shame, why body shaming is ok, and why we should body shame women...mostly just women.  Men tend to be excluded from this forum because media is not preoccupied with the male body and form.  Star Magazine has run, for years, an annual best and worst beach bodies wherein they shame thin and fat celebrities; there is no escaping the shame regardless of what your body looks like.

Women are raised to hate their bodies and their is constant encouragement to feel self-loathing and hatred over one's body.  I can remember as young as 4th grade making out exercise and diet charts, but I never stuck to them.  Inevtiably, I would begin to feel ashamed over the fact that I could not even follow a simple routine.  I was a child and there was no reason for me to even be on a diet.  I wasn't even fat! I was a normal girl who should have been out having fun, not writing in my journal about how fat I was.  What is worse is that I was encouraged to diet and exercise..no one ever told me that at my age, I shouldn't be dealing with the feelings of shame and hurt that I felt when I looked at my body.  I hid my hatred of my body from everyone around me for years.  I was always a healthy weight so no one considered that I could have possibly had an eating disorder when I was in junior high or high school. 

Growing up Hispanic in a small Mid-Western town where everyone around you is a tall lanky blonde wasn't easy.  I longed to have golden hair and fair skin and be thin like all of my girl friends.  I was thin.  I weighed 100 lbs but at 4'11", I wasn't all that "skinny".  I weighed less than most girls, but I still wore larger sizes because my hips are naturally wider and my shoulders naturally broader.  This had nothing to do with fat or BMI, my bones were simply situated differently and no amount of losing weight was going to whittle my waist to a smaller size...unless I shaved down my hipbones.  It didn't matter that I wasn't fat, I believed I was.  I periodically struggled with disordered eating; anorexia and bulimia.  I love food, I love to eat but it was drilled into me over and over that I shouldn't love food, that I shouldn't eat so much and that I should be ashamed that I wanted to eat. 

No one ever called me fat...ever, until I was fat.  Most people just made fun of how weirdly eccentric I was and that was alright by me. 

Recently, over lunch, I was discussing weight with a good friend of mine and how weight, beauty, and intelligence are so interconnected with women that it is somewhat impossible to escape the demands of society. America is a patriarchal and paternal society, as much as we want to counter argue this, it is a truth that we have abandoned.  The demands on women are intense and are bred continuously through the hegemonic standards that are perpetuated.  When conversations turn to media and the oftentimes unattainable beauty standards, conversations can get heated and downright cruel.  As obesity in America continues to rise, standards of beauty have not changed.  The average American woman is a size 12, but this is not what media tells us. Rather than accept that bodies are different, the conversation turns to medicalization.  When a women accepts who she is, is confident, and doesn't strive to be thin, it becomes the world's prerogative to tell her that she is not healthy and that even if she "accepts" who she is, she is obese and will suffer the pratfalls of being obese.  Body shaming is now under the guise of "medical advice" from complete strangers.  Aesthetics over health, but who is right?

Should we shame women who are overweight or obese and shove medical knowledge their way and concern troll our way into their personal lives?  Public forums of any kind will always create an opportunity for people to shame others, especially when other's out themselves out there to be shamed.  I get it, I am overweight, obese..what have you.  Do I know I need to lose weight? Absolutely! Am I healthy? Yes! Surprising isn't it!!  

I might be fat, but I have fun.