What defines you?

I have made it a whole two days without eating meat! I downloaded several free vegetarian cookbooks from Amazon and also bought one that had great reviews.  Of course none of the vegetarian cookbooks are gluten free, but that is a pretty easy fix.  This also means that I have been two days without fast food! 

I am addicted to fast food.  It is delicious and you can judge me all you want, but when I eat a McDonald's cheeseburger, the joy I feel inside is wonderful.  I know that it is terrible for me and I know what gross chemical by-products are in it and I just don't care..I want that wonderful, greasy awesomeness in my hands and then I want to feel the shame and embarrassment over what I have just done because that is always what ends up happening.  I probably wouldn't feel so ashamed over eating fast food if I A) didn't eat it like, three times a week and B) wasn't such a goddamn soft fatty mcfat pants.  No one should feel like they are going to be judged for eating fast food, sometimes it is just that convenient and for people that don't take their health as serious as others, it is no big deal to eat it.  More importantly, no on should be afraid that their photo will end up on the internet and trolled by assholes who think that fat shaming is the new cat breading.  I searched Google using "fat girls in fast food restaurants" and "fat people in fast food restaurants" and found numerous photos of people who most likely had their photos unwittingly taken by other customers for the sole purpose of uploading them to the internet so that others could have a rousing game of fat shaming.

These are just a few of the photos that I found, I hate to re-blog them but I am not shaming anyone, but this is how easy it is to become the butt of an internet joke.  Additionally, the bottom photo is of two young girls, most likely pre-teens or early teens and it is doubtful that there was any consent for these photos to be taken of these two girls.  

Or what about these ads meant to highlight childhood obesity?  We view being fat as a moral failing, a lack of self-control and the inability to follow social norms and values.  You are not just a person, you are a FAT person.  You are not a doctor, but a fat doctor.  You are labeled and you will remain so, if you lose weight, you are not a thin person, you are a person who USED TO BE FAT.  In a college course on social deviance I read multiple studies that were conducted on people who are overweight and how they are viewed in society.  Most respondents felt that fat people were lazy, gross, unmotivated and more likely to be unemployed.  What is worse is that people who are overweight are more likely to unemployed because they are less likely to be hired in the first place based solely on their outward appearance.

Society seems to forget that obesity is caused by more than just personal choice.  While overeating is usually the culprit in obesity, there are legitimate medical conditions that cause obesity as well.  Thyroid conditions, Cushing's Syndrome, and multiple other endocrine disorders can cause obesity.  This is regardless of personal eating and exercise habits of the person suffering from the disorder.  For others, medications can cause obesity as well.  Our default is to immediately judge the person and call them fat and lazy and blame them for all their other failures in life, because as a fat person, they obviously deserve everything they get.  Fat people bring it on themselves by just being fat!  

Being fat is my fault.  I am admittedly lazy when it comes to working out and I have terrible eating habits.  I love fruits and vegetables and many other healthy foods.  I also love candy. LOVE. CANDY.  I love candy so much I am dedicating a half sleeve tattoo on my left arm to the wonder that is candy.  I also love ice cream.  I can eat ice cream all day, every day.  When I am not being lazy, I am adventurous and active.  I'm also lazy because I have an autoimmune disorder, suffer from debilitating migraines, and have a nerve disorder, so being active isn't always something I am interested in.  I realize and understand that losing weight will benefit me and help me gain control over the medical issues I have...it is just going to be a long road, it has been.  I have been wanting to lose weight for years and I have had to endure the up and down battle like many.  For me, success is finding the reasons I was fat, understanding them and moving forward.  It isn't about shaming myself into losing weight for someone else or for society.  It isn't about waking up and feeling terrible about who I am and hating what I look like.  It's about waking up and feeling good about how I am today and who I can be tomorrow.  

I am not a fat person.  I am a woman who is strong and proud of who she is.  I am not defined by my body or my looks.  I am defined by my strengths and weaknesses as a person, my accomplishments and my failings, and my ability to be strong in the face of adversity.

Poverty and Obesity

I'm trying to turn myself into a vegetable eater, a lover of greens, and a snacker of fruits. I'm sure I'll make it one day before I'm selling myself for a hit of McDonald's and a sip of that sweet, sweet nectar that is Diet Coke...it is addicting, and so unbelievable bad for you.

I recently found out that aspartame has a sordid and complicated history with Donald Rumsfeld.  Rumsfeld was the CEO of Searle, the company that discovered aspartame by accident.  It was initially banned because the studies on it showed that it could cause severe health issues, including brain tumors.  In 1981, when Reagan was sworn in as President, it just so happened that a cohort of Rumsfeld's was hand selected to be the commissioner of the FDA...Rumsfeld was also a part of Reagan's transition team.  The day after the inauguration an executive order was commissioned that allowed Searle to reapply for FDA approval. Presto!!! Aspartame was approved.  Lots of other conspiracy level crap happened and now aspartame is considered healthy and magically.  Except its not.  I don't normally buy into crap unless that crap happens to be the truth.  Thanks dear sister for bringing this to my attention.  Also, Rumsfeld is just an awful person in general.

While visiting my sister in Austin, Texas, I had the privilege of eating the delicious foods she cooked for me that were all vegetarian and crazy healthy, good for you. Her girlfriend and herself volunteer at a local community farm and are able to take home local and organic fruits and vegetables.  The farm also offers organic dairy as well...This is such a fantastic and amazing idea.  For a few hours of work during the week, individuals are able to take home free produce.  Community farming (gardening) needs to happen more often and at greater levels.  You can learn more about it at www.communitygarden.org and for Fargo locals, you can check out the community garden information at www.cityoffargo.com.  For low-income individuals and families, this is an excellent way to reduce budgets and promote healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle.

For those who come from low socioeconomic homes, eating healthy is incredibly difficult, even if you have government assistance in the form of SNAP benefits.  There is a thing called "food privilege" and it exists, in this world, in America, the land of obesity and excess.  There is also "food insecurity" which is just a nice way of saying children and adults in America are starving and what they can eat and can afford to eat is typically calorie and carbohydrate dense, long lasting (full of chemicals and preservatives), and as cheap as possible.  Health disparities among those who experience poverty has been correlated in multiple peer reviewed studies (Google poverty and obesity, you'll find plenty of scholarly articles) and show that there is a connection.  Judgment and shaming those who are impoverished is not an effective way in teaching healthy habits, educating them about meals, and most importantly, does nothing to lower the cost of healthy foods. 

Spreading lies like this upsetting and totally absurd:

Check out those prices, are they shopping retroactively in 1997?! This is shaming and judgmental.  As a society we criticize absolutely everything about people who do not fit the standards we want them too...but as an individual, why do YOUR standards have to be upheld by people you DO NOT know?  Why must we sit behind the anonymity of a computer and tear apart someone else's behavior and body when we know nothing about the person?  It is unfair and unnecessary; this behavior only exacerbates the problem.  We are so quick to judge and absolutely unable to help.  I work at a homeless shelter and we have a "Community Bread Shelf" not a "Community Produce Shelf" and it is because bread is cheap and can fill someone up quickly.  The food we serve is not always nutritious and is usually boxed, canned, or frozen.  There is little access to fresh fruits and vegetables but we do make every attempt possible to ensure that the people we serve receive healthy meals at every chance we have.  Being overweight or obese isn't always a choice bred from laziness or excess, it is sometimes the result of issues far beyond our control.

Self-Hate and the Holidays.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and according to the Calorie Control Council (which is a thing that exists in this world) the typical Thanksgiving dinner has 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat.  This includes any of the snacks during the day and a turkey with all the fixings.  Since I have celiacs, I am (un)lucky that I HAVE to stay away from the breads and the baked goodies and stuffing.  That doesn't mean I don't sneak a few treats when no one who is willing to take it away from me isn't looking.  I calculated my holiday meal like the diet nerd that I am and my meal came in at 582 calories and 20.5 grams of fat.  Based on the "diet" I follow, I eat up to 1,570 calories a day and take in no more than 52 grams of fat.  I would say that my meal was a success, I had everything I wanted and ended up full at the end of the meal.  I would say that is what a good meal is all about, being full and satisfied.  

I don't like to use the term diet because I am not really on a diet.  I eat what I want in moderation or at least try to.  My calorie intake is based off of my basal metabolic rate and my average level of activity each day.  I don't like the idea of saying I CAN'T just because it is food.  I also have the problem of having difficulty saying no or I can't because I don't think people have to deny themselves any sort of comfort just because society tells me I shouldn't eat so that I am not fat.  For some reason, since I was a little kid, I always questioned the rules of society.  I always had to know the meanings behind what drives people and society to choose one thing over another and what creates mass consumerism.  Maybe this desire to always question and always be objective has driven me to truly hate the way women diet in America.  I also know this aggression led me down a path that involved eating disorders and over exercising because I eventually caved to the pressures that society had on me.  I have never fully recovered and I harbor a lot of self-loathing and shame over my body because I will never be what I see in media.

Basically, everything is wrong with you and during the holidays, women are told that more and more.  I don't have cable television but over the holidays last year I spent a couple of weeks at home as I was preparing to travel to the South Pacific for several months.  I watched a LOT of television and the majority of commercials I saw were all for weight loss companies touting their holiday sales and letting women know that THEY knew that women have absolutely zero self-control over the holidays and WILL BE FAT by the New Year.  The commercials were so numerous that I actually called a friend of mine to tell her about it because I was so disgusted by the messages they were sending.  She had also seen them and was perturbed by the hidden messages that, far too often, women buy into.  This self-loathing and self-hate over the holidays doesn't cure the problem, it only makes it worse.  I firmly believe that before I can lose the weight I have gained over the last few years I have to learn to love myself for who I am today so that I love myself for who I become.  At some point we have to make the decision to be healthy and happy for US and not because of what we see in society.  We can't believe that losing weight will make us love ourselves or magically cure the shame and loathing we have felt prior.  

On a lighter note, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

Waking up every morning to this little man.

My family, Levi Wigglesworth, and reuniting with my sister.

My tiny but cozy home that is filled with love, barking, family, and friends.

Body Shaming and Body Hate

Body shaming seems to be the internet's new favorite topic.  When to body shame, why body shaming is ok, and why we should body shame women...mostly just women.  Men tend to be excluded from this forum because media is not preoccupied with the male body and form.  Star Magazine has run, for years, an annual best and worst beach bodies wherein they shame thin and fat celebrities; there is no escaping the shame regardless of what your body looks like.

Women are raised to hate their bodies and their is constant encouragement to feel self-loathing and hatred over one's body.  I can remember as young as 4th grade making out exercise and diet charts, but I never stuck to them.  Inevtiably, I would begin to feel ashamed over the fact that I could not even follow a simple routine.  I was a child and there was no reason for me to even be on a diet.  I wasn't even fat! I was a normal girl who should have been out having fun, not writing in my journal about how fat I was.  What is worse is that I was encouraged to diet and exercise..no one ever told me that at my age, I shouldn't be dealing with the feelings of shame and hurt that I felt when I looked at my body.  I hid my hatred of my body from everyone around me for years.  I was always a healthy weight so no one considered that I could have possibly had an eating disorder when I was in junior high or high school. 

Growing up Hispanic in a small Mid-Western town where everyone around you is a tall lanky blonde wasn't easy.  I longed to have golden hair and fair skin and be thin like all of my girl friends.  I was thin.  I weighed 100 lbs but at 4'11", I wasn't all that "skinny".  I weighed less than most girls, but I still wore larger sizes because my hips are naturally wider and my shoulders naturally broader.  This had nothing to do with fat or BMI, my bones were simply situated differently and no amount of losing weight was going to whittle my waist to a smaller size...unless I shaved down my hipbones.  It didn't matter that I wasn't fat, I believed I was.  I periodically struggled with disordered eating; anorexia and bulimia.  I love food, I love to eat but it was drilled into me over and over that I shouldn't love food, that I shouldn't eat so much and that I should be ashamed that I wanted to eat. 

No one ever called me fat...ever, until I was fat.  Most people just made fun of how weirdly eccentric I was and that was alright by me. 

Recently, over lunch, I was discussing weight with a good friend of mine and how weight, beauty, and intelligence are so interconnected with women that it is somewhat impossible to escape the demands of society. America is a patriarchal and paternal society, as much as we want to counter argue this, it is a truth that we have abandoned.  The demands on women are intense and are bred continuously through the hegemonic standards that are perpetuated.  When conversations turn to media and the oftentimes unattainable beauty standards, conversations can get heated and downright cruel.  As obesity in America continues to rise, standards of beauty have not changed.  The average American woman is a size 12, but this is not what media tells us. Rather than accept that bodies are different, the conversation turns to medicalization.  When a women accepts who she is, is confident, and doesn't strive to be thin, it becomes the world's prerogative to tell her that she is not healthy and that even if she "accepts" who she is, she is obese and will suffer the pratfalls of being obese.  Body shaming is now under the guise of "medical advice" from complete strangers.  Aesthetics over health, but who is right?

Should we shame women who are overweight or obese and shove medical knowledge their way and concern troll our way into their personal lives?  Public forums of any kind will always create an opportunity for people to shame others, especially when other's out themselves out there to be shamed.  I get it, I am overweight, obese..what have you.  Do I know I need to lose weight? Absolutely! Am I healthy? Yes! Surprising isn't it!!  

I might be fat, but I have fun.

County Fairs and slobbering dogs.

I've been home since July 26th, that seems like so long ago.  I left when it was cold and returned when it was cold because Minnesota has decided that it no longer believes in spring or summer.  I spent several days with my parents because I am unemployed and an adult. I am an unemployed adult who just returned from living on a goddamn island.  I guess I can't say it is all that bad.  I went back and asked about getting back my position as an advocate at the job I voluntarily left so that I could go abroad and unfortunately they could not hold it for me, which makes since considering it is a homeless shelter and they are constantly in need of employees..except now..when I want a job again.

I was told that I was clearly at the top of the list for the job but when the spot becomes open again they have to open it up to the public as well, which I understand. I just really don't want to have to look for a new job because I really loved the job and I definitely want to go back to it if at all possible.

I have been cold since they day I returned from Guam...not that I want to experience China heat because that was the worst, but being warm would be nice to experience before having to deal with winter.  The group that I went to Guam with ended up on the University of Guam's Undergraduate Catalog.  I'm not even a student there anymore.  Kind of neat though, it was a great trip and I am so glad that I was able to have the opportunity to go.

I was able to go to the cities and see my niece for her third birthday and that was exciting, her birthdays are always fun and I like seeing my family too, no photos though because we have a pretty strict policy on not posting photos of small children in our family on the internet.  As far as I know there is no policy regarding my posting of this:

Went back to Fargo for just a few days to bring back my clothes and all the junk I brought home with me before I left. I can't believe how much I had to bring home, I locked up my place a couple weeks before I left so I had to bring a lot of my stuff home so I had stuff while I was at my parents. I called Ali when I was home and she came over and we made some gluten free homemade pizza and cleaned up my place and threw out a lot of crap I was just hanging onto.  I also decided at some point to use the bathroom because that is what people have to do after drinking water and fluids and stuff..and my toilet was moldy.  Not just like a spot, but the entire seat was covered in mold and the bowl had mold in it as well.  What a lovely welcome home from my apartment.  A little bleach took care of that.

   Baby Levi keeping a watchful eye on the oven

 Friends..what are they good for?

 Thanks Empire, this is much classier than the carving that says "Shave that Bearded Clam!"

Went to Battle Lake to see one of my favorite professors and spend the day with her and a friend of mine.  This photo succinctly sums up the entire day:

We ate at Zorbaz in Otter Tail and discussed the disgusting and sexist hiring "policy" that appears to be in place.  None of the servers appear to be over 18 and it is very homogenous in appearance...mildly creepy.  I would love to see the hiring requirements.  Went to the Zorbaz on the lake in Alexandria and it was exactly the same....so I guess a career in waitressing is not an option for me.

I haven't really done much since I have had an incredibly short summer since I was in China and Guam.  I was able to get to the Douglas County Fair which is an annual summer tradition in which Becky and I lose money playing bingo and violently barf for the remainder of the evening after eating deep fried food and pounds of cheese curds.

Oh, and goats:

The county fair is always an excellent time.

Let's talk about how good I am with children, shall we?

Living on the edge of a double rainbow of happiness here on the farm...

Working on a project:

Not finished yet, still have to paint the inside cream and highlight the etchings on the front.  Should be pretty good looking by the time I'm all done.  Just have to finish it.  Finishing up the windows and getting a new living room set and I'll be all done with everything in my new place...weird that it is still basically new since I haven't lived there for 7 months.

Cake mix from Baby Levi's birthday cupcake.

It's been a relaxing last few weeks, now I just have one more week left before school starts and I am excited but also bummed.  I spent almost all of my summer being awesome on Guam instead of being awesome in Fargo with my friends.  But you can't beat this:

A goodbye is never painful unless you're never going to say hello again.

This is SO embarrassing, ha.  I don't know if it even makes sense.

I am, by all accounts, not a sentimental person. I am not the person that gives small tokens or gifts, or even cards.  It is not because I am selfish, it is simply because I am not wired that way.  Sentiments are lost on me at times and sometimes I wonder if maybe I do have Asperger's..it would definitely explain a lot of the awkwardness that occurs in my life but it would not account for the love that I truly feel for people or the emotions that I do have that on some occasions actually happen.

I am a private person, but I am willing to tell my stories if people ask or are interested.
I am willing to get to know others, but I would rather observe the world around me than really be a part of it.  
I am better at watching than participating.

I left so much of my private world behind when I chose to come to Guam and I was thrown into a world that did not agree with me and I struggled enormously with the repercussions of what happens when I do not have privacy, or the peace that my mind needs.  After a couple of months that could only be described as the absolute worst that I have ever endured, I made the decision to go to China  to study Mandarin and learn about Chinese culture.  It was an exploration of my confidence and my ability to be surrounding by people I barely knew and have all of my peace taken away from me.  I am not good with people.  I am easily irritated, annoyed, and selfish to the point of abandoning the purpose of what is to be done.  I suppose I did make some memories, ones that will always be important to me.

My certificate...not sure that I completed the class so much on my own, ha.

The lunch that we got after receiving our certificates.. delicious, as Chinese food so often is.

A photo of  Eric taking a photo of us, ha.

My two amazing tutors who told me I just need to have confidence in my ability to learn a new language.

Shane and I with our tutors...Shane was a fantastic partner and way more advanced than I was at Chinese.

Cassie, as adorable as ever.

Dr. Sun who so kindly invited us into his home and made us a wonderful dinner of dumplings and chicken.

Happy times!

Daisy! She thought I was 19, I love her so much for that... she said it was my spirit, so bubbly and happy.

Joanna, such a wonderful person and so sad.  No more tears Joanna, we will all meet again!

My Maggie, such a wonderful and amazing person. I will miss her so much!

Beep! Beep!

We gave them I love Guam passport covers, and they were sparkly and pink..so of course we had to give on to him..ha.

Stop being so skinny and then maybe the shirt would fit.

So serious.

The Wolf Pack.

Hanging out in the Hong Kong airport....for five or so hours.

Eric and I found the Hong Kong Disneyland Store in the airport and they had a Golden Mickey display.. yay!

I realized a lot on this trip, that despite my increasing insecurities about myself, my body, and my age, I am happy and it is truly important to me to make other people around me happy at all times.  I also crave peace and privacy. In fact, I demand it..my body and my mind need it so much that I easily get lost in every day activities when I don't have the ability to get lost in my own world when I am alone.

I also learned a handful of important things while in China:

Men WILL shove you into garbage cans, push you with their briefcases, and generally have no remorse for their shoving you into inanimate objects in their quest to get on the ferry, the subway, or moving about in Disneyland.

Small children will also shove you down stairwells if you don't speed it up.

Old ladies will also demand that you move quickly by pushing you out of their way with their umbrella.

Don't EVER leave home without an umbrella. EVER.

It is really hot in China and then it rains, and it is still hot.

People are really nice when you have a chance to speak to them.

Do NOT smile at the customs agents.

If you ask what is good on a menu, they will tell  you "Everything."

The food is delicious.

Street markets are super fun.

Speak Chinese and make your life a whole lot easier.

Mostly everything is super shiny and bright unless you are in the mountains or at a street market.

Pandas are a national treasure and deserve to be treated as such. Love the pandas and they will love you back.

So. Clean.  Even in the street markets and the alleys, so clean.  They even have trash receptacles for doggy waste.  People in Macau and Hong Kong LOVE their dogs...I approve.

There wasn't a whole lot of culture shock..I mean I guess I don't really know what culture shock is.  I'm a fairly reasonable human being who understands that there is a world outside of the USA! USA! USA! but I will not get over the pushing and shoving, but you get that in New York, which is probably why I don't like New York.  Busy, busy, busy-ness isn't exactly my cup of tea.  I like to move slowly...as slowly as possible and in light to moderate heat.

Like the title says, a goodbye is never painful unless you're never going to say hello again.  There is never any good when one has to say goodbye, but we will all have the memories of what we left behind in China.  I may not have given sentiments of my gratitude, but what I can give to you are the words of my gratitude and the lasting impression that you have all made on me.