What do you deserve?

We all know the best thing about Lyndon B. Johnson was Lady Bird, who is a national treasure and deserves to treated as such, but he had his moments.  Such as when he declared a war on poverty and believed it could be erradicated through the creation of "better schools, and better health, and better homes, and better training, and better job opportunities.”  It was unprecedented, a move that would never again be matched by any President.  President Johnson believed that it was the responsiblity of the governemnt to intervene on behalf of it's citizen's for the common good.  This was the beginning and end of a war that could have drastically changed the face of poverty in America.  In 1964, spending was increased for programs such as Head Start, Work Study, food stamps, and Medicare and Medicaid.  The Revenue Act of 1964 and the Economic Opportunity Act provided additional relief to the poor and middle class that had become limited in their upward mobility.  The Revenue Act cut taxes by 20% and the Economic Opportunity Act created major programs like Work Study, Job Corps, and Adult Basic Education.

Those living below the poverty rate dropped from 23% to 12%.

This is a slippery slope, an informal fallacy that relies on the ignorance of the general public, misonceptions of the media, and the negative framework of poverty that is created by politicians.  Let me be clear; I am not unaware of the myriad issues surrounding poverty and the individuals who experience it.  Have I seen individuals that attempt to game the system, of course...but if you want to bring up individuals who have "cheated" the system, lets talk about Bernie Madoff, the financial crisis of 2007, sub-prime mortgages, the FHA and redlining, and corporate faud.  Which is probably costing you more tax dollars than the millions upon billions of crappy poor people who are "cheating" the welfare system.  You CANNOT have a one sided argument.  Let me introduce you to the "evil rich"....but we'll come back to that, right now we are discussing the gross poor people that are too lazy to go get a job.

As of 2012 the U.S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics indicated that 10.5 million individuals formed the "working poor".  These are people who are living in poverty and working.  Let me stress the working part.  Do they deserve to live in poverty because they don't work hard enough? I don't know, did that guy who died from a snake bite not believe in Jesus hard enough?  It's relative to what your belief system is but the fact is, you don't have to be an asshole about it.  Look, I get it, if you want to assume that people who are poor are just a bunch of jerks who can't crawl their way out of the gutter than I'm going to assume that you are an idiot who is floating down a douche river in a canoe.  It is incredibly irresponsible to make such assumptions about people, especially those who are poor.  Politicians and society love to flap their gums about the wonderful post-racial utopia we are currently (not) living in:  WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT, THAT ONE LADY IN SOME GOVERNMENT SEAT IS A MEXICAN OR SOMETHING, MINORITIES NOW OUT NUMBER WHITE PEOPLE!!!  Listen white people, just because SEVERAL groups of MINORITIES out number you does not a majority make.  You are still a majority so relax and be comforted in the many benefits of which you reap simply by being born white.

An issue that is consistently brought up in conversation, especially in regards to economic opportunities and race, is that minorities simply can't make it in the world and whatever failings they have in life, it is all their fault.  Fair enough. But kind of empirically wrong.

Let's start with being born poor, lets begin: Congratulations lazy poor incubator, you have just given birth to a child.  You have little to no human capital, one because you are a women (ewwwww) and two, you are not white.  Being the poor single mother that you are (and cause for all of the poverty in the world because the world is misogynistic), you live in a pretty crappy neighborhood.  Your neighbor was recently shot and you know at least one person who has an entrepreneurial goal of becoming a drug dealer.  You poor person, have brought into this world another new poor person who will most likely go to a crap school where there will be limited resources and limited options for securing a quality education.  22% of children in poverty do not graduate from high school as compared to only 6% of those who are not living in poverty.

Your parastitic child who is also to lazy to get a job is spending all your hard earned money on necessities like food and clothing so you have to get some benefits, whatever welfare queen!  Alright, so you managed to get the scoundrel to graduate from high school, now what...well, very little.  College, hahahaha, are you kidding me!! Have you seen how expensive it is to go to college? So get a job, maybe? A good one? NOPE.  Look, I'm taking some liberties here and at this point I'm bored so lets talk about institutionalized racism and it's going to be quick.  If you can't understand that Jim Crow Laws, the FHA redlining and the G.I. Bill utilized racist policies to ensure that white neighborhoods blossomed and black ghettos flourished, then you really need to reconsider your position as telling people you are not prejudiced.

The United States has systematically enagaged in racist and discriminatory policies.  It has not stopped.

1850- Approximately 305,000 individuals forcibly transported on via U.S. vessels as part of the   Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade from mid 1600's to 1850.

1876- Jim Crow Laws put into effect.  They were not abolished until 1965.

1830- Indian Removal Act of 1830.  This was a form of ethnic cleansing that resulted in the deaths of approximately 2,000-6,000 Native Americans.

1913- California Alien Land Law of 1913 prohibited American Indians from owning land, stripped them of land rights.  Was not repealed until 1952.

1921- National Origins Formula based number of immigrants on a quota system.

1923- United States vs. Bhagat Singh Thind classified Indians as non-white, retroactively stripped Indians of their citizenship. No case has ever overturned this classification.

1929- Mexican Repatriation: forced migration of approximately 2 million Mexican Americans

1934- National Housing Act of 1934 established the FHA which utilized discriminatory redlining practices and blockbusting.  Was not abolished until the Fair Housing Act of 1968 but still needed a second act, the Community Reinvestment Act of 1977 to encourage fair lending practices.

1942- Japanese American Internment.

1981- Until 1997, the United States Department of Agriculture denied loans to Black farmers that were given to White farmers that were experiencing similar issues.

The racism that existed in the past may not be as overt but those who are racist have chosen to do so in a way that is outside of the public eye.  It is done in secret and in ways that prey on the fears of Americans.  It is in the Republican Southern Strategy, Stop and Frisk Laws, and in Immigration Laws in Arizona.  It is in the way we determine someone's worth based on the community in which they live, the way in which black men with no criminal records and a good education are routinely passed over for white men with less experience and criminal records.  It is in the way we stereotype.  If you cannot have the empathy to understand what minorities go through without the caveat of "well maybe they shouldn't commit so many crimes, do so many drugs, have so many children...etc" then it is safe to say you live in a white bubble void of compassion and empathy. Probably happy and enjoying life and that is fine.  You continue living the way that makes you happy.

Race does not exist, it was created on the machinations of a white majority, who on a whim would determine what and who was white, with no regard to the lives they were ruining and the pain they were causing.  So what do they deserve?  Have they been given enough in the last 70 years after suffering for hundreds? What about you, what do you deserve? 

How Do You Decide?

Is that true, do we really decide how we are going to live? How much choice do we actually have? I have made the decision to be healthier but it is really hard to do when you are a poor college student.  Coupled with my crippling addiction to manicures, shoes and sweaters with animals on them, I have a difficult time keeping money in my checking account.  I stopped eating meat because dead animals make me sad and because being fat is making me even sadder.  Not eating meat means not eating a lot of fast food because that is pretty much all gross, creepy meat that shouldn't be eaten by, pretty much, anyone.  I don't have a degree, that is why I am in college.  I don't make a lot of money at my job, which is why I am in college.  When I am done with college I will be in a massive amount of debt because I am in college now.  I, thankfully, don't have a criminal background and I don't have a child (which I am actually more grateful for than not having a criminal background).  The point is, life keeps in a very precarious situation because I don't have a lot of choices.  I can make multiple decisions everyday and those are MY choices, but the world has decided a lot of things for me, much like fate.  

The world decided that I would be adopted into a loving and financially robust home.  A home that provided me with options, an education, love, and stability.  It would be unlikely that I would become someone that suffered financially, but I have.  Every month was met with an eviction notice and the awareness that I did not have enough groceries to eat and my food was spoiling.  So what did I do, I ignored it...I pretended it didn't exist and I went on about my life in a way that was totally inappropriate for my level of income.  At what point do you completely give up on the comforts of being alive, of enjoying something that allows you just a small opportunity to forget the position that you are currently in?  Is every bad decision a bad decision or just a moment of escape and why should escape from life only be afforded to those who are rich?  Shouldn't we all be allowed to afford some kind of comfort in this world?

Do those that live homeless, hungry, and unemployed really chose how they are living now and do they continue to chose this path?  As an advocate for the homeless I hear a lot about how homeless people live and most of the time, its not by those who are homeless.  It's from people who have never been homeless.  Have they experienced hunger and poverty, maybe? But have they ever lived on the streets, or in a car? Not likely.  Have they ever experienced the crippling dehumanization of being a felon, having a mental illness that keeps them unfit from working? Not that they usually tell me.  This trend of being told what homelessness and poverty is and what it is like to be on welfare is ridiculous and outrageous.

These are some of the most recent welfare memes (I'm not naming names, but it's unlikely we are still friends on Facebook or real life) that I have seen.  I'm not crazy political correct, but there are a few things that I don't joke about.  That is probably a lie, I pretty much joke about everything except rape jokes.  They are never appropriate and I'm not being facetious. They really are NEVER appropriate.  I am prone to making fat jokes (I'm a certified fatty), race jokes (I'm a Mexican, so it's ok) and basically just demeaning and inappropriate commentary on everything, but I digress...here are some of the culprits:


HAHAHAHAHA!! This is funny because people on welfare don't work at all, amirite?? HIGH FIVE GUYS!  EXCEPT THAT 88% of your tax dollars goes to government operations and defense, which means that 12% goes to mandatory welfare programs (http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2013/08/federal-spending-by-the-numbers-2013).



Says 9% of the American population who uses illicit drugs!  How about instead of being angry that the government is asking to take away MORE of your hard earned dollars that you can't earn while being high on drugs so that poor people can be drug tested, you take this up with your legislature since drug testing employees is an enormous breach of privacy and not to mention, also violates at least two amendments to the constitution! (I SAID THAT ALL AS ONE SENTENCE BECAUSE THIS ARGUMENT IS STUPID.)  Moving on.



I will not lie about the fact that yes, I have seen people who are homeless, who own iPhones, smartphones aplenty, and cool electronics.  But lets break it down for a second, shall we?  There does not exist in this world a "welfare check".  It is adorable that you think that there is, but there isn't.  Mind blown, right?  If you are impoverished and receive benefits this is how it works.  SNAP benefits for food are on a card that can ONLY be used to purchase qualified items.  If you receive benefits for health, you do not get a magical welfare check that is written out for so much money that you can cash.  You get MA or some other kind of medical assistance that the state pays for and the recipient gets a medical card.  If an individual qualifies for TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) they do get cash assistance in the form of a card and it is generally between $300-400 dollars a month.  SSI is less than $700 a month and most people then qualify for other assistance that does not allow them the mythical welfare check that you people so often speak of.



What is with you guys and poor people and iPhones? As I stated earlier, have I seen it, yes...but mostly they have pretty inexpensive prepaid phones because their credit is not high enough to get them a plan through a large carrier like AT&T or Verizon.  Several women that I have worked with in the shelter have lovely nails and guess what? They do their nails themselves or buy cheap press on ones from the dollar store.  Much like most women, despite the fact that they are impoverished and living in a homeless shelter, they take pride in their appearance.  How fucking dare they?  
Lots of lots of people have tattoos, maybe they have a friend, maybe at one point they weren't so poor and could afford the luxury of the worlds like iPhones, tattoos, and nail art.  But let's talk about you, how do you pay? Cash, money from your parents, credit cards?  If you charge that shit or get it from your parents; kettle, meet pot.



Did you know that eugenics is a bad thing?  Also, once again, the magical welfare check DOES NOT EXIST.  Let's explore this wonderful world of social commentary on poverty and parenthood! Should poor people be allowed to have children; obviously not, DUH! W.I.C. is a program that could be defined as a welfare program and would fall under "welfare check" status.  So mothers, fathers, and legal guardians who utilize this program should probably just sell their children and move back into the gutter right?  Individuals who use W.I.C. are not bad parents and being low-income does not make a person a bad parent either.  There are plenty of people who use this program and it is a wonderful way to be able to offset the insane cost of raising a child.  In fact, it might be more responsible for people who qualify for it to use it than not.

Beyond this, lets talk about reproductive health care and sex education, shall we?  Remember up until this year when birth control wasn't free? Remember when American society made women feel like slutty tramps for wanting birth control? Remember how we shamed all those women for wanting abortions? hahaha, these are so funny.  Sex education in American is pitiful, access to reproductive health is pitiful and when women have questions about these things, we shame them into oblivion, which is entirely unfair.  Welfare, birth control, and pregnancy is a whole different blog post that I will have to tackle at some point.

The point is, people are dumb and we say dumb things to make ourselves feel better about the positions we are in, the difficulties we face in the economy, and the frustrations we feel.  Unfortunately, we have to learn how to view such things, like welfare and poverty, objectively, so that we can have a better understanding. Being poor or experiencing poverty does not make you a bad person and those that shame you, they are the bad people.  We have no idea what one's life story was before being impoverished and it is not up to you to decide that story for someone.  I recently encountered a story that was heartbreaking.  A gentleman died in a homeless shelter.  Who was a star student, graduated with a degree in architecture and went on to become an architect and a consultant.  His life led him, eventually, somewhere that was dark and full of pain and his last breath was spent in a bed a homeless shelter, surrounded by people who didn't know.  This was a man who had people who loved him and believed in him.  He was intelligent and creative.  I did not know this person, but recounting his story, it still makes me cry.  Why are we so cruel and why do we have so much hate for people we know nothing about?  

I recently read a short essay by the Dalai Lama, "The Basic Sources of Happiness" and it was brilliantly short and to the point.  When a person has a sense of responsibility for humanity, we will take care of all that is around us.  My desire to help is not based on ignorance or blind hope, it is not built on the bleeding heart of religion or servitude.  My desire to help is because I know it is right.

What defines you?

I have made it a whole two days without eating meat! I downloaded several free vegetarian cookbooks from Amazon and also bought one that had great reviews.  Of course none of the vegetarian cookbooks are gluten free, but that is a pretty easy fix.  This also means that I have been two days without fast food! 

I am addicted to fast food.  It is delicious and you can judge me all you want, but when I eat a McDonald's cheeseburger, the joy I feel inside is wonderful.  I know that it is terrible for me and I know what gross chemical by-products are in it and I just don't care..I want that wonderful, greasy awesomeness in my hands and then I want to feel the shame and embarrassment over what I have just done because that is always what ends up happening.  I probably wouldn't feel so ashamed over eating fast food if I A) didn't eat it like, three times a week and B) wasn't such a goddamn soft fatty mcfat pants.  No one should feel like they are going to be judged for eating fast food, sometimes it is just that convenient and for people that don't take their health as serious as others, it is no big deal to eat it.  More importantly, no on should be afraid that their photo will end up on the internet and trolled by assholes who think that fat shaming is the new cat breading.  I searched Google using "fat girls in fast food restaurants" and "fat people in fast food restaurants" and found numerous photos of people who most likely had their photos unwittingly taken by other customers for the sole purpose of uploading them to the internet so that others could have a rousing game of fat shaming.

These are just a few of the photos that I found, I hate to re-blog them but I am not shaming anyone, but this is how easy it is to become the butt of an internet joke.  Additionally, the bottom photo is of two young girls, most likely pre-teens or early teens and it is doubtful that there was any consent for these photos to be taken of these two girls.  

Or what about these ads meant to highlight childhood obesity?  We view being fat as a moral failing, a lack of self-control and the inability to follow social norms and values.  You are not just a person, you are a FAT person.  You are not a doctor, but a fat doctor.  You are labeled and you will remain so, if you lose weight, you are not a thin person, you are a person who USED TO BE FAT.  In a college course on social deviance I read multiple studies that were conducted on people who are overweight and how they are viewed in society.  Most respondents felt that fat people were lazy, gross, unmotivated and more likely to be unemployed.  What is worse is that people who are overweight are more likely to unemployed because they are less likely to be hired in the first place based solely on their outward appearance.

Society seems to forget that obesity is caused by more than just personal choice.  While overeating is usually the culprit in obesity, there are legitimate medical conditions that cause obesity as well.  Thyroid conditions, Cushing's Syndrome, and multiple other endocrine disorders can cause obesity.  This is regardless of personal eating and exercise habits of the person suffering from the disorder.  For others, medications can cause obesity as well.  Our default is to immediately judge the person and call them fat and lazy and blame them for all their other failures in life, because as a fat person, they obviously deserve everything they get.  Fat people bring it on themselves by just being fat!  

Being fat is my fault.  I am admittedly lazy when it comes to working out and I have terrible eating habits.  I love fruits and vegetables and many other healthy foods.  I also love candy. LOVE. CANDY.  I love candy so much I am dedicating a half sleeve tattoo on my left arm to the wonder that is candy.  I also love ice cream.  I can eat ice cream all day, every day.  When I am not being lazy, I am adventurous and active.  I'm also lazy because I have an autoimmune disorder, suffer from debilitating migraines, and have a nerve disorder, so being active isn't always something I am interested in.  I realize and understand that losing weight will benefit me and help me gain control over the medical issues I have...it is just going to be a long road, it has been.  I have been wanting to lose weight for years and I have had to endure the up and down battle like many.  For me, success is finding the reasons I was fat, understanding them and moving forward.  It isn't about shaming myself into losing weight for someone else or for society.  It isn't about waking up and feeling terrible about who I am and hating what I look like.  It's about waking up and feeling good about how I am today and who I can be tomorrow.  

I am not a fat person.  I am a woman who is strong and proud of who she is.  I am not defined by my body or my looks.  I am defined by my strengths and weaknesses as a person, my accomplishments and my failings, and my ability to be strong in the face of adversity.

Poverty and Obesity

I'm trying to turn myself into a vegetable eater, a lover of greens, and a snacker of fruits. I'm sure I'll make it one day before I'm selling myself for a hit of McDonald's and a sip of that sweet, sweet nectar that is Diet Coke...it is addicting, and so unbelievable bad for you.

I recently found out that aspartame has a sordid and complicated history with Donald Rumsfeld.  Rumsfeld was the CEO of Searle, the company that discovered aspartame by accident.  It was initially banned because the studies on it showed that it could cause severe health issues, including brain tumors.  In 1981, when Reagan was sworn in as President, it just so happened that a cohort of Rumsfeld's was hand selected to be the commissioner of the FDA...Rumsfeld was also a part of Reagan's transition team.  The day after the inauguration an executive order was commissioned that allowed Searle to reapply for FDA approval. Presto!!! Aspartame was approved.  Lots of other conspiracy level crap happened and now aspartame is considered healthy and magically.  Except its not.  I don't normally buy into crap unless that crap happens to be the truth.  Thanks dear sister for bringing this to my attention.  Also, Rumsfeld is just an awful person in general.

While visiting my sister in Austin, Texas, I had the privilege of eating the delicious foods she cooked for me that were all vegetarian and crazy healthy, good for you. Her girlfriend and herself volunteer at a local community farm and are able to take home local and organic fruits and vegetables.  The farm also offers organic dairy as well...This is such a fantastic and amazing idea.  For a few hours of work during the week, individuals are able to take home free produce.  Community farming (gardening) needs to happen more often and at greater levels.  You can learn more about it at www.communitygarden.org and for Fargo locals, you can check out the community garden information at www.cityoffargo.com.  For low-income individuals and families, this is an excellent way to reduce budgets and promote healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle.

For those who come from low socioeconomic homes, eating healthy is incredibly difficult, even if you have government assistance in the form of SNAP benefits.  There is a thing called "food privilege" and it exists, in this world, in America, the land of obesity and excess.  There is also "food insecurity" which is just a nice way of saying children and adults in America are starving and what they can eat and can afford to eat is typically calorie and carbohydrate dense, long lasting (full of chemicals and preservatives), and as cheap as possible.  Health disparities among those who experience poverty has been correlated in multiple peer reviewed studies (Google poverty and obesity, you'll find plenty of scholarly articles) and show that there is a connection.  Judgment and shaming those who are impoverished is not an effective way in teaching healthy habits, educating them about meals, and most importantly, does nothing to lower the cost of healthy foods. 

Spreading lies like this upsetting and totally absurd:

Check out those prices, are they shopping retroactively in 1997?! This is shaming and judgmental.  As a society we criticize absolutely everything about people who do not fit the standards we want them too...but as an individual, why do YOUR standards have to be upheld by people you DO NOT know?  Why must we sit behind the anonymity of a computer and tear apart someone else's behavior and body when we know nothing about the person?  It is unfair and unnecessary; this behavior only exacerbates the problem.  We are so quick to judge and absolutely unable to help.  I work at a homeless shelter and we have a "Community Bread Shelf" not a "Community Produce Shelf" and it is because bread is cheap and can fill someone up quickly.  The food we serve is not always nutritious and is usually boxed, canned, or frozen.  There is little access to fresh fruits and vegetables but we do make every attempt possible to ensure that the people we serve receive healthy meals at every chance we have.  Being overweight or obese isn't always a choice bred from laziness or excess, it is sometimes the result of issues far beyond our control.

Self-Hate and the Holidays.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and according to the Calorie Control Council (which is a thing that exists in this world) the typical Thanksgiving dinner has 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat.  This includes any of the snacks during the day and a turkey with all the fixings.  Since I have celiacs, I am (un)lucky that I HAVE to stay away from the breads and the baked goodies and stuffing.  That doesn't mean I don't sneak a few treats when no one who is willing to take it away from me isn't looking.  I calculated my holiday meal like the diet nerd that I am and my meal came in at 582 calories and 20.5 grams of fat.  Based on the "diet" I follow, I eat up to 1,570 calories a day and take in no more than 52 grams of fat.  I would say that my meal was a success, I had everything I wanted and ended up full at the end of the meal.  I would say that is what a good meal is all about, being full and satisfied.  

I don't like to use the term diet because I am not really on a diet.  I eat what I want in moderation or at least try to.  My calorie intake is based off of my basal metabolic rate and my average level of activity each day.  I don't like the idea of saying I CAN'T just because it is food.  I also have the problem of having difficulty saying no or I can't because I don't think people have to deny themselves any sort of comfort just because society tells me I shouldn't eat so that I am not fat.  For some reason, since I was a little kid, I always questioned the rules of society.  I always had to know the meanings behind what drives people and society to choose one thing over another and what creates mass consumerism.  Maybe this desire to always question and always be objective has driven me to truly hate the way women diet in America.  I also know this aggression led me down a path that involved eating disorders and over exercising because I eventually caved to the pressures that society had on me.  I have never fully recovered and I harbor a lot of self-loathing and shame over my body because I will never be what I see in media.

Basically, everything is wrong with you and during the holidays, women are told that more and more.  I don't have cable television but over the holidays last year I spent a couple of weeks at home as I was preparing to travel to the South Pacific for several months.  I watched a LOT of television and the majority of commercials I saw were all for weight loss companies touting their holiday sales and letting women know that THEY knew that women have absolutely zero self-control over the holidays and WILL BE FAT by the New Year.  The commercials were so numerous that I actually called a friend of mine to tell her about it because I was so disgusted by the messages they were sending.  She had also seen them and was perturbed by the hidden messages that, far too often, women buy into.  This self-loathing and self-hate over the holidays doesn't cure the problem, it only makes it worse.  I firmly believe that before I can lose the weight I have gained over the last few years I have to learn to love myself for who I am today so that I love myself for who I become.  At some point we have to make the decision to be healthy and happy for US and not because of what we see in society.  We can't believe that losing weight will make us love ourselves or magically cure the shame and loathing we have felt prior.  

On a lighter note, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

Waking up every morning to this little man.

My family, Levi Wigglesworth, and reuniting with my sister.

My tiny but cozy home that is filled with love, barking, family, and friends.

Body Shaming and Body Hate

Body shaming seems to be the internet's new favorite topic.  When to body shame, why body shaming is ok, and why we should body shame women...mostly just women.  Men tend to be excluded from this forum because media is not preoccupied with the male body and form.  Star Magazine has run, for years, an annual best and worst beach bodies wherein they shame thin and fat celebrities; there is no escaping the shame regardless of what your body looks like.

Women are raised to hate their bodies and their is constant encouragement to feel self-loathing and hatred over one's body.  I can remember as young as 4th grade making out exercise and diet charts, but I never stuck to them.  Inevtiably, I would begin to feel ashamed over the fact that I could not even follow a simple routine.  I was a child and there was no reason for me to even be on a diet.  I wasn't even fat! I was a normal girl who should have been out having fun, not writing in my journal about how fat I was.  What is worse is that I was encouraged to diet and exercise..no one ever told me that at my age, I shouldn't be dealing with the feelings of shame and hurt that I felt when I looked at my body.  I hid my hatred of my body from everyone around me for years.  I was always a healthy weight so no one considered that I could have possibly had an eating disorder when I was in junior high or high school. 

Growing up Hispanic in a small Mid-Western town where everyone around you is a tall lanky blonde wasn't easy.  I longed to have golden hair and fair skin and be thin like all of my girl friends.  I was thin.  I weighed 100 lbs but at 4'11", I wasn't all that "skinny".  I weighed less than most girls, but I still wore larger sizes because my hips are naturally wider and my shoulders naturally broader.  This had nothing to do with fat or BMI, my bones were simply situated differently and no amount of losing weight was going to whittle my waist to a smaller size...unless I shaved down my hipbones.  It didn't matter that I wasn't fat, I believed I was.  I periodically struggled with disordered eating; anorexia and bulimia.  I love food, I love to eat but it was drilled into me over and over that I shouldn't love food, that I shouldn't eat so much and that I should be ashamed that I wanted to eat. 

No one ever called me fat...ever, until I was fat.  Most people just made fun of how weirdly eccentric I was and that was alright by me. 

Recently, over lunch, I was discussing weight with a good friend of mine and how weight, beauty, and intelligence are so interconnected with women that it is somewhat impossible to escape the demands of society. America is a patriarchal and paternal society, as much as we want to counter argue this, it is a truth that we have abandoned.  The demands on women are intense and are bred continuously through the hegemonic standards that are perpetuated.  When conversations turn to media and the oftentimes unattainable beauty standards, conversations can get heated and downright cruel.  As obesity in America continues to rise, standards of beauty have not changed.  The average American woman is a size 12, but this is not what media tells us. Rather than accept that bodies are different, the conversation turns to medicalization.  When a women accepts who she is, is confident, and doesn't strive to be thin, it becomes the world's prerogative to tell her that she is not healthy and that even if she "accepts" who she is, she is obese and will suffer the pratfalls of being obese.  Body shaming is now under the guise of "medical advice" from complete strangers.  Aesthetics over health, but who is right?

Should we shame women who are overweight or obese and shove medical knowledge their way and concern troll our way into their personal lives?  Public forums of any kind will always create an opportunity for people to shame others, especially when other's out themselves out there to be shamed.  I get it, I am overweight, obese..what have you.  Do I know I need to lose weight? Absolutely! Am I healthy? Yes! Surprising isn't it!!  

I might be fat, but I have fun.

County Fairs and slobbering dogs.

I've been home since July 26th, that seems like so long ago.  I left when it was cold and returned when it was cold because Minnesota has decided that it no longer believes in spring or summer.  I spent several days with my parents because I am unemployed and an adult. I am an unemployed adult who just returned from living on a goddamn island.  I guess I can't say it is all that bad.  I went back and asked about getting back my position as an advocate at the job I voluntarily left so that I could go abroad and unfortunately they could not hold it for me, which makes since considering it is a homeless shelter and they are constantly in need of employees..except now..when I want a job again.

I was told that I was clearly at the top of the list for the job but when the spot becomes open again they have to open it up to the public as well, which I understand. I just really don't want to have to look for a new job because I really loved the job and I definitely want to go back to it if at all possible.

I have been cold since they day I returned from Guam...not that I want to experience China heat because that was the worst, but being warm would be nice to experience before having to deal with winter.  The group that I went to Guam with ended up on the University of Guam's Undergraduate Catalog.  I'm not even a student there anymore.  Kind of neat though, it was a great trip and I am so glad that I was able to have the opportunity to go.

I was able to go to the cities and see my niece for her third birthday and that was exciting, her birthdays are always fun and I like seeing my family too, no photos though because we have a pretty strict policy on not posting photos of small children in our family on the internet.  As far as I know there is no policy regarding my posting of this:

Went back to Fargo for just a few days to bring back my clothes and all the junk I brought home with me before I left. I can't believe how much I had to bring home, I locked up my place a couple weeks before I left so I had to bring a lot of my stuff home so I had stuff while I was at my parents. I called Ali when I was home and she came over and we made some gluten free homemade pizza and cleaned up my place and threw out a lot of crap I was just hanging onto.  I also decided at some point to use the bathroom because that is what people have to do after drinking water and fluids and stuff..and my toilet was moldy.  Not just like a spot, but the entire seat was covered in mold and the bowl had mold in it as well.  What a lovely welcome home from my apartment.  A little bleach took care of that.

   Baby Levi keeping a watchful eye on the oven

 Friends..what are they good for?

 Thanks Empire, this is much classier than the carving that says "Shave that Bearded Clam!"

Went to Battle Lake to see one of my favorite professors and spend the day with her and a friend of mine.  This photo succinctly sums up the entire day:

We ate at Zorbaz in Otter Tail and discussed the disgusting and sexist hiring "policy" that appears to be in place.  None of the servers appear to be over 18 and it is very homogenous in appearance...mildly creepy.  I would love to see the hiring requirements.  Went to the Zorbaz on the lake in Alexandria and it was exactly the same....so I guess a career in waitressing is not an option for me.

I haven't really done much since I have had an incredibly short summer since I was in China and Guam.  I was able to get to the Douglas County Fair which is an annual summer tradition in which Becky and I lose money playing bingo and violently barf for the remainder of the evening after eating deep fried food and pounds of cheese curds.

Oh, and goats:

The county fair is always an excellent time.

Let's talk about how good I am with children, shall we?

Living on the edge of a double rainbow of happiness here on the farm...

Working on a project:

Not finished yet, still have to paint the inside cream and highlight the etchings on the front.  Should be pretty good looking by the time I'm all done.  Just have to finish it.  Finishing up the windows and getting a new living room set and I'll be all done with everything in my new place...weird that it is still basically new since I haven't lived there for 7 months.

Cake mix from Baby Levi's birthday cupcake.

It's been a relaxing last few weeks, now I just have one more week left before school starts and I am excited but also bummed.  I spent almost all of my summer being awesome on Guam instead of being awesome in Fargo with my friends.  But you can't beat this: